Review: Happy Penis Massage Cream in Penis Colada by Classic Erotica

June 11th, 2012 | Filed Under: Lube -Massage -Oral Sex -Review | Tags: , , ,

“Everybody Loves a happy penis!”
Now, that’s how you advertise sex aides! Really, that’s the Happy Penis massage cream slogan. It’s printed right on the oddly phallic bottle!

So, does Happy penis really help deliver happy times, or is Classic Erotica’s flavored massage cream all talk and no action? Let’s find out!

Item Specifics
Ingredients: Water, mineral oil, Cetyl Alcohol, PEG-100 Sterate, Ceteayrl Alcohol, Polysorbate 60, Flavor(aroma), Xanthan Gum, Carbomer, Triethanolamine, Sodium Benzoate, Potassium Sorbate, Diazolidinyl Urea, Sucralose, Sodium Saccharin, Disodium EDTA, Yellow 5, Orange 4.

Thickness: Thick and creamy, like Bavarian Cream
Feel when wet: Heavy and slightly tingly
Drying Time: 15 minutes
Dries: slick and a little waxy

Features: sweetened, flavored, tingles

How much does it tingle? A little, sort of like gently blowing on the skin.

How long does the tingle last? 15 minutes

Red’s Warnings
Contains oils and sugars. Not suitable for penetration. Also, do not use on latex condoms or the condoms may break!

Performance

The first thing I noticed about Happy Penis Massage cream was that the canister is rather unusual. It actually has the lid pull up to open, turning the lid takes the lid off. This makes the bottle into a squeeze bottle that is self-sealing and non-cloging. How nice!

Opening the seal released a very faint oily pina colada scent. The top notes of pineapple, mid notes of coconut, and a slick oily base note. It’s not the most rounded pina colada scent I have ever seen, but it didn’t smell unpleasant or fake.

I was ready to give the massage cream a try! It spread on thick and creamy, sliding beneath my fingers with ease. It was very easy to control and stayed exactly in place no matter where I put it. The tingle was gentle, but did not last terribly long. Blowing did nothing to make the tingle come back, nor did rubbing.

Gentle rubbing spread it further into a thin, nearly clear layer that smelled delightful. As I rubbed I noticed the Happy Penis cream was not soaking in. Not even brisk rubbing made it all fade! If anything, the more brisk the rubbing was the more the massage cream seemed to foam up, almost like it was being whipped into a thin layer of slick goodness. This meant one thing: it was time to lick the flavored massage cream off!

The flavor was a lot like the scent. There was a definite coconut with a wispy pineapple over the top of oily undertones. It wasn’t super sweet like other Pina coladas. If anything it seemed like it needed something a little watery and salty. Oh dear, they meant this to taste good with semen! Play it safe, kiddies… oh, and yum.

This flavor lingered nicely in my mouth until it faded to a strange coconut and mineral oil mix. It wasn’t horrible as an aftertaste, but it coated every inch of my lips and mouth leaving a strange waxy effect behind. The flavor lingered nicely on the skin as well leaving a sweet pineapple-heavy pina colada behind even after the massage cream was all gone. The scent was mostly gone, however.

Pros: Nice flavor, not overbearing scent-wise, flavor lingers nicely, does not soak in 100%.

Cons: Kind of oily, does not soak in 100%, odd waxy after-effect.

The Verdict: Worth it

If you dislike water based lubes because they dry out, Happy Penis will not disappoint! In fact, I’d even suggest using it all over, not just on a penis. If you like lubes that soak all the way in or use latex condoms, however, you should choose another lubricant.

One Response to “Review: Happy Penis Massage Cream in Penis Colada by Classic Erotica”

  1. by Hawse Lover on July 15th, 2012 1:50 am

    Penis Colada. Facepalm. The pun. It burns.

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